


The Family Scrapbook

by Jimiel



Series: Family Functionality [3]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Race Changes, Because Fuck Canon - That's Why, Bilbo Took, Bilbori - Freeform, Canon Characters Given OC Names, Dwarf Culture & Customs, Dwarf Women, Dwobbit!Bilbo, F/M, Family, Family Tree Rearranging, Female!Bilbo, Gender Confusion, Heterosexual Sex, Mostly Book Timeline, Oral Sex, Ri Means Beauty, Sex, Spoilers, Unnamed Canon Characters Given Names, dwarf men are stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-13 16:15:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21496939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jimiel/pseuds/Jimiel
Summary: Scraps in the life of the Family Ri that didn't make it into the main story or are alternate versions of what did make it into the story.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Mystery Dwarf, Canon Relationship(s), Various Relationships
Series: Family Functionality [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1549462
Comments: 72
Kudos: 128





	1. First Meeting With Thorin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This would have been placed in chapter 2 of The Family Ri, before they first went to the Shire. The scene here is briefly mentioned in chapter 13 of the main story.

The Year 2851 of the Third Age

The refugees from Erebor had been in Belegost for over twenty years before Dilnobri considered that perhaps she should introduce herself to the new royal family. One might think that would be a rather arrogant attitude, as if the Durins had to prove they were worthy of meeting the resident Jewelbearer of Belegost. And they would be correct. Dilnobri hadn't been impressed with the first impressions of the grim-faced Longbeards that had arrived in Belegost and so she had settled in to watch them. At first she wanted to see how they interacted with the Broadbeams and Firebeards of the Blue Mountains. After that, when it became clear that they were serious about joining, Dilnobri had been busy with helping integrate the Councildams from Erebor into the Council of Belegost.

And then Dilnobri had given birth to her fourth and final child. Her first daughter. And she'd been rather distracted between gem crafting, being a mother, and sitting on the Council that she'd quite forgotten she hadn't yet officially introduced herself or her children to the Durins. When she did finally remember, she didn't want to admit that she was getting on in years and it was quite possible she had just forgotten the matter. It took Nori telling a tale of how he'd snuck into the Erebor side of Belegost and left a pig in Crown Prince Thorin's rooms to remind her that she hadn't gone for introductions.

"May I have a pig, mama?" Bilbori had wanted to know during breakfast after Nori'd finished his story.

Dilnobri stared at her little halfling child and then smiled, reaching out to fluff the little one's curls. "Not yet, sweetling." She turned to her children. "Everyone get cleaned up and dressed nicely after breakfast. We have to go meet our cousins."

"Cousins? What cousins?" Ori wondered.

Bilbori scrunched her nose. "What's a cousins?"

Dori wiped some jam off his sister's face even as she was reaching for her napkin. "If mam had a brother or a sister, the children of that brother or sister would be our cousins."

The girl just looked more confused. "Mama doesn't have a brother or a sister, though."

Dilnobri looked confused for a moment, and then remembered she probably hadn't mentioned this before. "Oh dear. These cousins are not close like if I had a brother or sister. They are very distant cousins. My mother's grandmother's grandmother's grandmother was the sister of one of their distant grandparents. I'm not quite certain how many are down the line on their side."

"Who're you talkin' about, mam?" Nori wondered, twirling his plate to cut his ham into spirals without moving his knife. "That was a long time ago."

"True, but these cousins are rather important." Dilnobri agreed. "But we want nothing from them, remember that. They're just family."

"Not close family." Nori set his jaw stubbornly. "So who cares?"

"It's polite to let your family know you're there just in case, my dears." She tutted. "Now hurry and finish your breakfasts. We want to get there before the Durins have scattered to various tasks for the day."

"The Durins!" Ori, Nori, and Dori exclaimed together.

Once again confused, Dilnobri asked, "Of course, who did you think I was talking about?"

\- - -

Bilbori hated getting dressed up. The fancy clothes and boots didn't bother her, she was used to being dolled up like a pretty little lass... But the way her braids were fixed to cover her ears. She didn't mind them being covered, but her ears were extra sensitive to certain touches and the braids made them itch terribly. Poking around through her things, she found a tin of salve to rub on her ears. The salve made them slightly numb and was letting her get used to the braids. She liked the braids, they gave her a secret that no one else had. The pointy tips of her ears. Her mother had told her that they marked her as special but that dwarves were stupid and would just think she was a silly elf if they saw them, so she kept her points secret and giggled at the stupid dwarves any time she heard them saying bad things about elves.

Once her ears were numbed enough to stop itching, Bilbori peered into her mirror. Dori had fixed her hair in the style she usually wore. The top section was braided into many thin braids that were clipped together with beads that were covered in green and blue crystals so that the braids resembled a net similar to her mother's preferred spider web style. The rest of her hair hung in loose curls that the net held down in place over her ears and helped keep it from becoming a mess throughout the day. The weight of the beaded net kept most of the curl tamed while the loose ends were tightly coiled in comparison.

Her mother had told her to dress nicely, so she was wearing a her favorite ankle-length green dress with long bell sleeves and golden embroidery that Dori had made. On her feet were soft, black leather boots. The boots itched more than her braids if she were being honest, rubbing the furry fuzz on her feet the wrong way and all. The only jewelry she wore were her beads, among which was her Ri family bead, and a golden necklace that fit close to her throat with woven links and clasped at her throat almost like a belt with a decorative little buckle.

Once she finished fiddling with the clasp on the necklace, she skipped out of her room to find that everyone was waiting for Dori. Plopping down next to Nori, Bilbori leaned into her favorite brother. "What color was the pig?"

"Pink. It was just an ordinary pig."

"Would you get me a pig?"

"What would you do with a pig when we wanted ham? It would cry if it saw you eating it's cousin."

Bilbori frowned at that. She wanted a pig, but she didn't want it to cry. Ham was too tasty to not have. Not to mention thick slices of bacon and chops. "Maybe... Two pigs... So when one is sad the other can make it happy again."

Nori laughed. "Not me you gotta convince, sweetling. You know mam's the boss."

Pouting, she instead waited quietly while Dori finished fixing his hair. He'd taken to fussing ever so much with it since it had finished turning pure mithril in color. He was often admired for that alone and couldn't help preening when he fixed up even if he never returned the interest. Finally he emerged and the rather large family left their home, heading toward the side of Belegost that had been taken up by the refugees from Erebor.

\- - -

"King Thráin, may I present to you Lady Dilnobri Jewelbearer of House Ri." The graying dwarf that led them into the reception hall was someone Bilbori recognized. It was Ori's craft master, Balin!

"Your majesty." Dilnobri offered a brief curtsy to Thráin. "May I present my children; Dori, Nori, Ori," the three dwarves bowed as their names were said, "and Bilbor-" She paused, her daughter no longer where she had been. "Well, I seem to have misplaced my daughter." She did not sound alarmed, merely amused. "Nori, please see if you can locate your sister."

"Yes, mam." Nori gave a stiff bow before hightailing it out of there.

"Young then?" Thráin asked, giving an indulgent smile when Dilnobri nodded. He bowed deeply to the elderly dam. "My children; Thorin," Thorin looked confused at his father, but bowed respectfully enough considering Dilnobri's age and gender, "and Dís." Dís gave a barely there curtsy before seating herself. "Long have I been aware of the tale of House Ri," Thráin spoke up, moving over to take Dilnobri's hands. "We had thought you all gone by now. It warms my heart to see the line not only lives, but flourishes."

Thorin and Dís exchanged confused, uncertain looks even as the remaining Ri siblings took seats to wait out this business their mother had brought them on. Dori sat primly on his chair, trying not to fidget at his sister's disappearance. Ori's fingers twitched and he kept glancing in the direction Balin had excused himself in earlier.

"The House of Ri, father?" Thorin looked confused and aggravated that he was confused.

"Ah, forgive me... I had not yet had a chance to bring this bit of history to my children." Thráin escorted Dilnobri to a seat and settled down beside her before turning to his children. "The House of Ri are the descendants of Durin the Sixth's eldest child, Princess Dainári. They were intentionally separated from our line at the request of Mahal. They were said to one day return to us." He turned his attention back to Dilnobri. "How may the house of Durin aid our cousins, my lady?"

Dilnobri gave the Durins a warm smile. "The House of Ri requires no aid. We are here in truth to assure the line of Durin that we have not forgotten our cousins. We are here for them. Should they need us, they only need call. We will help, if we can."

Thráin, Thorin, and Dís all looked stunned at the brief, yet heartfelt, statement and both Dori and Ori sat up straighter.

"That is most gracious, my la-"

"Mama! Mama!"

Whatever Thráin was about to say next was cut off as the wet smack of soggy boots sounded on the stones. The sound was quickly followed by a little girl, completely covered in what they hoped was mud but certainly smelled most foul, running into the room. In her arms was clutched an animal nearly as big as her and with the snout and unmistakable stripes of being a baby boar. Not even ten sends later, Nori frantically ran in after her, obviously having just missed stopping her running into the room.

"Look mama! A pig! May I keep it?!" Bilbori turned massive pleading eyes up to her mother. "Please..." She dragged out the word.

Looking as if she wanted to laugh, Dilnobri swept a hand in Bilbori's direction. "My daughter; Bilbori."

Dís burst out laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't ask why I didn't add Frerin, Fíli, or Kíli. The main story follows the canon book timeline for the most part. Frerin died long before this scene, about 52 years before this to be more precise, in the battle of Azanulbizar. Fíli will not be born for approximately 8 more years, Kíli in another 13 or so years. Bilbori is older than the little Durins in this universe.


	2. Original Meeting With Thranduil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As stated, this is the original version of Bilbori meeting Thranduil. The version that ended up in the story can be found at the end of chapter 23 of the main story. Obviously some things are different. In this version she used the ring and never spent 10 years in the Shire watching over Drogo. She also wasn't pretending to be her brother's lover.

When the others were taken captive by the elves Bilbori was left to wonder just which Valar was having a good laugh at their expense now. Mayhap the Valar were all in on it and they were taking turns, while drunk, at deciding what to do next to the Company. As if their quest was one big drinking game for the divine. She paused slightly before shaking her head; she really needed to stop being so fanciful with her comparisons.

Bringing her thoughts back to the matter at hand, the halfling needed a plan. On one hand, she could continue to skulk around the elf palace wearing the ring, probably starve, and hope that things might work out… Or she could attempt to pull a baby forest troll on the elf king. Bilbori frowned in concentration, her hands reaching up to pull her dirty curls up into a familiar braided style that she had not worn since before this quest as she worked out the details of her vague idea. Too bad she didn’t have a longer beard that she could twist into pretty little braids like Ori’s…

Half an hour later…

“I demand to see your king at once!”

The loud voice, clearly not elven in origin, rumbled through the main halls of the palace and through various doors in a way that only a dwarrow of some authority could truly pull off. Considering that all of the dwarves were supposed to be in the dungeon, that particular ability was enough to tweak at the feline curiosity of Thranduil enough that he motioned for a guard to bring the source of the noise to the throne room. A few moments later an indignant noise followed by the distinctive sound of a mighty slap soon echoed into the throne room.

“How dare you put your hands on me like that, you cad!”

Hasty apologetic sounds from the guard did not carry as well as the dwarven voice.

“You’re right, you will be keeping your hands to yourself if you know what’s good for you.”

As the last of those words were spoken, Thranduil’s curiosity was both satiated and inflamed as a creature less than four feet tall was led into the throne room. It had the beard and braids of a dwarf, but wore no shoes as the bare, furry feet stomped toward the throne. But the ears were pointed and didn’t stick out as much and the figure was a curious mix of solid dwarven muscle and slight feminine curves accented by the way the travel worn clothing was pulled over the half-starved frame. Thranduil gripped the arm of his throne in a tight grasp as he leaned forward, eyes burning into the creature. He opened his mouth to demand what she, for it was obviously female if the attitude to an attempt at a weapons search and the curves were any indication, was doing in his palace when the female stopped five feet in front of him, put her hands, curled into fists, on her hips, and spoke before he even had a chance!

“I demand that you release my escort at once.” Her tone brokered no dissent, her bearing full of straight-backed pride and righteous indignation. “And since you have greatly inconvenienced us, causing our supplies to be lost as well as taking us off our course, you can give us a night’s lodging and new provisions as well!”

The various elves in the king’s court gasped at the creature’s audacity to make demands of the king. Outraged Sindarin whispers broke out, creating a soft, sibilant hiss to filter through the tension between the halfling and the king.

Thranduil was enchanted. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had spoken to him in such a manner. The small woman’s cheeks, what could be seen above her short beard, were flushed with her anger and she had the fire and steel in her veins to stand bedraggled before a king and make demands… Naturally, he pushed back.

“An escort?” He scoffed, striking his most regal pose. To his court, the elves that loitered in his throne room with him regularly, his ‘most regal pose’ was definitely sub par with the interest his posture belied. “And where, pray tell, are they escorting you?”

The answer was short, direct, and the woman’s fiery gaze never wavered from the glacier return of the king. “To my father’s house in the Iron Hills.”

Thranduil narrowed his eyes. “I know who travels in your company… Who are you to rate such dwarves of note as an escort?”

His haughty expression was matched with one of condescension. “I am Bilbo, son of Nobri. And if you claim to not know why I rate a kingly escort, then I pity the elven realm for having a king who cannot be bothered to have knowledge of those people who once called them neighbors.”

The tension was high, the throne room nearly crackling with energy, as the elf and halfling stared unblinking at each other. Neither was willing to back down in this match. The halfling was throwing her heart into making her words seem the truth. The elf was trying to will a different truth from her lips.

A seeming eternal amount of time later, Thranduil spoke. His eyes bore unblinkingly into those of the halfling woman. Dwarven flame and Elven frost clashing. “Escort Lady Bilbo to the west guest wing.” He paused for a heartbeat before continuing. “Have the Lady’s escort taken to the west guest wing as well and prepare food for them all.”

“Sire.” The guard, one cheek still sporting a red hand print, bowed acknowledgement to his king. “This way, my Lady.”

The woman continued to hold Thranduil’s gaze for a couple of minutes before she abruptly pivoted on her heel and strode from the throne room, head high and posture regal despite the dirt and stains of hard travel with the guard hurrying in her wake. Once she disappeared from view and the doors to the throne room closed, the courtiers who had watched her depart swiveled to look at the elven king only to gasp in shock. For leaning back in his throne, Thranduil’s lips were curved up into the hint of a smile and upon his high cheeks was a faint blush, made all the more visible against his pale, silvery coloring…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't remember exactly, it was over five years ago that I wrote this version of the scene, but I'm pretty sure this Bilbori would have bedded Thranduil.


	3. The Toy Maker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some might think her first was a hobbit... They would be wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place sometime after Bilbori turns 70 and before she moves to the Shire at age 90. So sometime between chapters 9 and 10 of the main story.

"Come on, Nori." Bilbori's arms were crossed, which was fitting as she was cross. "I've been thinking about this for at least a decade."

"A decade!" Nori roared, whirling in place and throwing one of his daggers into a wall.

"I know you and the others hate it, but I age differently than normal dwarves. I merely waited until I was officially of age before considering it here for your peace of mind."

"You call this peace of mind!" Nori paced through the room like a caged animal. "You're too good for any of the trash that lives in this mountain!"

Though she was touched by the sentiment, Bilbori was not deterred. "So you'd rather I go carousing in the Shire then? Mayhap one of the towns of men within a day or two of Belegost?"

Nori whirled again, giving his sister a ferocious glare. "You're too good for any of them!"

Rising, Bilbori bravely faced her overprotective brother. "And what if I hear Mahal's Forge? Are you going to deny me then as well?! Deny our Maker's will?!"

Blanching, Nori took a step back.

"When I hear the Maker's call, I will answer. And gladly! I will do my part for the betterment of our people. I look forward to it, to the day I will finally begin making my greatest creation. But I do not want that to be my first time experiencing such touches, Nori!"

Knowing he couldn't deny his sister, especially not when she put it that way, Nori turned and punched the wall next to his knife in helpless rage. The thought of anyone in Belegost touching his sister made him ill. The thought of a hobbit touching her made him even more ill, and if one of those oversized men touched her he'd burn down their entire village... He couldn't even entertain the idea that an elf might draw her eye.

"Do you hear His Forge now?"

Taken aback by the question, Bilbori paused before answering. "No. And I'm not ready to risk anything without His Call. I've been to the healers both here and in the Shire. I have special hobbit strength medicine to prevent any unwanted pregnancies." Her eyes went distant, a fond look sweeping over her face. "When I create, I want it to be the perfect gift that Mahal guides me to, not something that happened just because I was curious."

They both knew that with dwarven tendencies the only way to guarantee a pregnancy was answering the call of Mahal's Gift, but Bilbori wasn't fully dwarf and hobbits bred like rabbits without their special herbs. They didn't have twelve full hobbit siblings in the Shire for no reason, after all.

Nori crossed his arms, staring at the wall. "What about a toy instead?" He finally asked.

Palm, meet face. Bilbori sighed. "Are you seriously wanting me to go into a toy maker's?" Every good toy shop had an adult section, after all. "Because I absolutely could... And I'd take a dwarf with me and find something we could use together!" The last was said rather spitefully.

Physically lurching away from Bilbori, Nori made a disgusted sound. "Why do you have to be such a foul bitch!"

"Because I was raised by a crude jackass!"

"Don't talk about Dori that way." Ori said as he wandered into the kitchen where Bilbori and Nori had been arguing. He had been home the entire time, working on one of his projects at his desk, forced to listen to them arguing. He opened their cooling box, grabbed a jug of juice, and left the room again without sparing either of them a glance.

Startled by the intrusion, both Nori and Bilbori laughed at the absurdity of it all. Finally they calmed down and Nori sighed.

"Just... Not from some tavern or pub, please? Find someone in a respectable place. Not some drunken slime."

"Awww, Nori!" Bilbori leaned over to pinch his cheeks. "Don't worry, I know you prefer the drunken slime all to yourself!"

Swatting her hands away, Nori scowled. "Don't be disgusting."

"Don't be like you, you mean?" She fluttered her lashes at him before he grabbed her into a headlock.

\- - -

Nearly four months later and Bilbori found herself being kissed breathless against the wall in the house of her new 'friend.' It was a small place, with only one bedroom, a simple water closet, and an all purpose room. He had to use the community bathing house for more than sponge baths. But that didn't matter to Bilbori. What mattered to her was the lips coaching her in ways that felt pleasant, showing her how a little nip here and a suckle there could make her tingle all the way down to her toes.

Her new 'friend' was a toy maker. And it was really Nori's fault. He'd given her the idea after all. But when she thought about it, it was a sensible idea. Toy makers were adept at finding ways that pleased the body, otherwise they couldn't make very good toys. So they should know what they were doing, right? After she'd decided that, she'd shared some luncheons with a couple of her acquaintances for gossip, and then she was browsing the shops in the market.

The toy maker she'd selected was not the most handsome of the ones she'd met nor the most prosperous. What he did have, were the kindest and most gentle eyes she had ever seen. Somewhere along the line of growing up she had found herself drawn more and more to eyes and while the actual color of his eyes was plain, they had looked gentle. She felt that she could trust herself. Then, like any good dwarf, she'd done the sensible thing.

She opened negotiations on a contract with him.

They debated in front of an official scribe the expectations they had for the encounter, what they were willing to try, what they absolutely did not want to try, what words would have to be uttered to halt the proceedings, and the penalties for transgressions on the contract. Once they'd finished negotiations, the contract was signed and the scribe's seal was placed in the witness section. And if that scribe happened to be her older brother, no one needed to know except for herself and Ori. She may be closest to Nori, but Ori was always the one pushing her into experiencing the world, probably because of how Dori clung to him. It was Ori's way of rebelling...

But such thoughts were not for now. For now she was too busy enjoying the encounter. She loved the way his skilled hands made quick work of the fastenings of her gown, the way his beard tickled her skin as he moved to lap against her neck, the feel of the cloth sliding from her shoulders and baring her to his touch... She enjoyed the pleasures, but it was never enough to lose herself. She felt analytical of the situation, trying to decide what she liked and what she didn't. And learning as he taught her what kind of things menfolk enjoyed even as he helped her learn what she enjoyed.

Bilbori stayed for three days... It was very educational.

\- - -

"It took me four hours to figure out the appropriate place to file that contract, you know." Ori told her when she finally wandered back home. He was sitting primly at the kitchen table, writing. "I wasn't about to ask Balin where the appropriate place was!"

Pouring herself a fresh drink from their cooling box, she seated herself at the table across from him.

Ori finally looked up, seeing the almost boneless way his little sister was sprawled in her chair. He smirked, "You had fun then?"

"Yes." She gave him a lazy grin. "You should contract him, too. It would be fun for you."

"No, thank you." Ori made a face. "I'm sure he's nice, but it would be too strange for me knowing what I know."

"What do you know?" Nori asked as he entered the kitchen with a bag of groceries.

"That Bori finally went to a toy maker."

Nori stiffened, turning to look at the youngest Ri in the room. Her lazy sprawl, the relaxed smile... He looked for any discoloration on visible skin from where someone might have touched her.

"Ew, Nori... Don't look like that. It's creepy." Bilbori stuck her tongue out at him.

Nori huffed and turned back to putting away groceries. "Fine. But if I catch anyone looking at you sideways..."

Ori winked at her once Nori was no longer looking.

"But! What if they're in the healing wing and laying down on a cot and the only way they can look at me is sideways?"

Whirling around, Nori looked at Bilbori incredulously even as Ori laughed. Finally, the elder of the trio rolled his eyes. "You're ridiculous. Why don't you go play with your toys and leave us alone?"

Ori laughed harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All dwarf toy shops have an adult section. Didn't you know?
> 
> Oh yeah... NOT the same mystery dwarf as the one in the main story!


	4. Mystery Dwarf In Lake Town

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We know what Bilbori remembers of Lake Town... What does her Mystery Dwarf remember?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **WARNING:** This chapter contains spoilers for The Family Ri. If you have not read chapter 39 of The Family Ri it will spoil the mystery! SPOILERS! HUGE SPOILERS! Also, this chapter jacked up the rating and added new tags...

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(If you haven't read The Family Ri through chapter 39 and don't want spoilers, STOP READING THIS CHAPTER!)  
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Kíli had perhaps enjoyed the feast they had been given too much. Or the ale served at the feast, that is. His brother had practically poured him into his bed before leaving to- Well, Kíli was not sure where Fíli had gone. Probably to see if he could talk one of the Lake women into a bit of fun. Once upon a time Kíli would have happily joined Fíli, but that felt like a lifetime ago. He had not been interested in that kind of thing in what felt like forever. Not that he wasn't interested in being physical, he just had not been interested in random strangers in months.

Not since that night in the Shire... At Bag End. Kíli had been fascinated with the Company's hobbit burglar ever since. It had started simple enough, watching the way the hobbit danced around with a brilliant smile, offering food and sweets. How could one not be intrigued with the way the little creature moved so easily through all the larger dwarf bodies? But then the yelps and thumps that had come from the hobbit's bedroom... Kíli had felt jealous. That had changed when he had bumped into Bilbo later and the hobbit had not looked as if anything had happened at all. He was pretty sure he had gravitated toward the hobbit that night.

Then he had to wonder at what the hobbit could have possibly done to leave Ori limping the next day and, for a moment, Kíli would have cheerfully strangled the scribe. The hobbit had seemed so smug while Ori had been blushing and that had made Kíli envious and curious in equal measures... Only for the adorable hobbit to get fussy about a missing handkerchief! Kíli had been halfway into pulling his own handkerchief from his pocket to hand over when Bofur had beaten him to the gesture.

Kíli could admit to himself that the disappointment he had felt at not getting to be the hero in that scenario meant that he had fallen hard and fast for Bilbo. There was no other explanation for the mix of emotions that he had had over the little hobbit. He had ranged from being jealous to curious to disappointed to adoring all within what felt like moments! And as they went further and further away from Bag End it had just gotten worse.

Bilbo had been genuinely furious with Gandalf. Seeing the hobbit riled up, cheeks flushed, a wild rage in his eyes... Kíli had been riding rather uncomfortably even as he had helplessly laughed at seeing Gandalf get put in his place. He was glad that everyone was so loud that day, because Kíli had nearly made a mess of his pants with a choked off groan at the sudden shock of arousal when the hobbit had physically launched from the saddle to attack the wizard!

Realizing that the mere memory of a violent Bilbo was enough for Kíli to get hard, the dwarf rolled over under his covers and reached to untie the laces on his trousers before pushing them down. He let his mind wander over some of his favorite memories of Bilbo. Like seeing the night Bilbo had sucked Kíli's blood from his fingers!

Kíli couldn't even say why he found it as arousing as he did. It was, if one were to think on it, actually very disgusting, but maybe it was just watching something of his getting shoved so greedily between those plush hobbit lips... Kíli moaned, reaching to tug his jacket and tunic off. He tossed them somewhere onto the floor as he squirmed his way out of his trousers.

And the rain! Bless the rain! Kíli had been ready to abandon Mahal in favor of Ulluboz that day! He bit his lip to stifle his moan, not wanting anyone to interrupt as he drew his hand over his length. That day the hobbit had nearly killed him when he realized that the short curls had been a ruse and they were so very much more. He wanted his hands in that hair, and when he had seen it loose in Rivendell there he had been unable to resist touching. Kíli felt himself twitch and throb as he remembered the silky softness of the curls, the look in her eyes when he had brought the lock to his lips...

Then, just as he was giving himself a squeeze, the door opened!

Not wanting to be caught taking himself in hand, Kíli did his best to go limp and feign sleep. Not that it mattered. He heard the door close and a moment later a warm hand was nudging his shoulder. His whole body tensed at the contact and his shoulder burned. With that clue alone, Kíli let his eyes open as he pretended to wake up. It was Bilbo! But... Not?

"Bilbo? Wha?"

This Bilbo was naked! And had breasts!

Kíli felt his brain exploding as he tried to process and it just got worse when he let his gaze drop lower and saw that there was something missing that he had been expecting. His body didn't seem to mind though, if the throbbing he felt in his hand was any indication. He squeezed, trying to stifle the interest. "What's going on?" He blinked, faking a yawn when he saw the strange feminine Bilbo reaching for him.

Bilbo reached out, brushing his? Her? Fingers through Kíli's hair and pushing it out of his eyes. And then, just when Kíli was about to try speaking again, Bilbo spoke instead... In Khuzdul!

"Mahal has lead me to you that we may craft the dwarven race anew. Will you bring the mithril to my forge?"

Kíli gasped. That... Was the absolute last thing he'd expected to ever hear! Not even if Bilbo had somehow picked up a word or two of Khuzdul on the journey, he hadn't expected a clear request to help craft a child! And now... Wait. Bilbo wasn't a male... He was a female... And Mahal had! Oh! Kíli decided he must have fallen asleep and he was dreaming again. This was a interesting change on the normal dreams he had of the hobbit.

Unable to form words to convey just how much he wanted this, Kíli instead took the hand he'd been using on himself to pull back the blankets. With the other hand, Kíli reached out to assist Bilbo in joining him on the bed.

Bilbo's skin was warm as Kíli eagerly pulled the hobbit into his arms. Everywhere she touched him, he burned and it made him crave more. He slid his hands up the hobbit's sides, feeling the satiny soft skin before he plunged his fingers into the silky curls he adored. He cradled her head as he moved to kiss her breathless. "Wanted you," he murmured once he'd managed to pull back enough to speak. "Since I met you, wanted you so much."

"Kíli..." Bilbo moaned against his lips.

With one hand still in the hobbit's loose curls, Kíli moved the other down to caress one of her breasts. He gently squeezed the flesh before taking the nipple between two fingers and pinching. When Bilbo gasped he caught her lips again, sliding his tongue between them and exploring every centimeter within. They were both panting when he broke the kiss again. "You are a dream. I've had this dream before."

Kíli rolled them over so that Bilbo was laying on her back and then he started kissing his way down her body. She was a beautiful contradiction of hard muscle beneath plush softness and he wanted to mark every inch of her. But he dared not. He didn't know what he would do if he marked the skin of his Dream-Bilbo only to see clear, unblemished skin on the Real-Bilbo. Instead, but oh he wanted... If all he ever got was this impossible female Dream-Bilbo he fully intended to enjoy her. And that was new to his dreams! This beautiful Bilbo that wanted his children! He felt himself get impossibly harder as he found himself between her legs, he looked up, seeing her looking down at him, her eyes clouded with arousal.

"I don't want to wake up." Kíli declared, before plunging down to dip his tongue between her folds even as he slid one hand to tease her open.

Bilbo writhed under Kíli's ministrations, one hand raised to her mouth to muffle her whimpers as the other reached down to dig her fingers into Kíli's hair. She curled her fingers tight, pulling harshly on his hair.

Kíli whined at the pull on his scalp, shifting to slide his finger deeper within her as he used his other hand to lift her leg, pushing it further to the side and spreading her more for him. She was so real, responding to every sound he made against her tender pearl, twitching and writhing at ever touch. He could feel her clenching around his finger, making him twist his hand as he slid another in to join the first. He could taste her sweet slick and oh how he never wanted to wake from this dream...

But he was so close and dream Bilbo wanted him inside... Wanted his child! He gently nipped her pearl, causing her to thrust her hips up into his face. He chuckled slightly as he pulled his fingers out of her and she whined from their loss.

"Kíli, please..." She whimpered, tugging at his hair.

Sucking her sweetness from his fingers, Kíli crawled up between her legs pausing only to lavish attention on her glorious breasts. He took himself in hand, the other still holding her thigh, and moved further up. He kissed her again as he used his hold on himself to slide the head of his member between her folds. He groaned, feeling himself started to clench up, and before he could wake from this dream, he slid himself home within her depths.

Feeling that impossibly slick heat clench around him... Kíli was not shamed to admit that he only lasted three strokes before spilling.

Bilbo's disappointed whine only had Kíli murmuring sweet apologies against the hobbit's lips. Thankfully he didn't have to apologize long, for Kíli was still fantastically hard and aroused. He only had to hold still for the sensitivity to die down enough for it to not be painful when he moved and then he was, moving in a way that pleased them both.

It felt as if they'd been making love for hours by the time Kíli exhausted himself and his dream started to fade. He was not sure why the dream was ending, but he made the most of it. He made sure Dream-Bilbo was pleased, wringing multiple releases from them both and swallowing every cry from her lips with his kisses. By the time he was exhausted, he was pretty sure he was sober and that somehow this beautiful Bilbo was real. He pulled her close, burying his face against her shoulder even as his softened length was still buried in her depths.

"I love you, Bilbo." Kíli whispered as he fell asleep.

When Kíli next woke, he was alone. There wasn't a hint within the room that anyone else had been there. There was a dried mess over his fun bits, but he remembered taking himself in hand the night before, so it was easily explained. Confused, his skin still faintly feeling as if someone had touched him everywhere, Kíli looked around the empty bedroom. He got up, cleaned himself, and got dressed. An inspection in a warped mirror told him that there were no marks on his throat even though he could have sworn there should be something. His scalp still tingled as if his hair had been pulled... Frowning, he went in search of Bilbo.

It did not take long for him to find the hobbit.

Kíli paused in the doorway to the kitchen where Bilbo was seated at the table. The hobbit was eating breakfast as if nothing was wrong and there was absolutely no sign of the voluptuous body he remembered exploring. His brows drew into confusion as he saw Dori give Bilbo seconds of whatever the hobbit was eating. The hobbit spotted Kíli as the dwarf hovered in the doorway.

"Good morning! Will you be joining us for breakfast?"

Aside from being cheerful over getting something to eat, there was nothing about the hobbit to indicate anything had happened like Kíli's brain told him had occurred. Confused, more than just a bit heartbroken at having his dream shattered, Kíli rubbed at his chest and murmured some vague excuse about looking for someone before he turned to leave. As he left, he saw Ori approaching the hobbit and placing his lips against Bilbo's curls. Kíli fled the house entirely.

It had just been a dream. And, fool dwarf that he was, he had woken up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time in ages I've written anything like this... *hides face*


End file.
